benjamin allen

Isn’t all it’s cracked up to be! I won’t bore you with the details, suffice to say, I have a shit load of things to do, and very little time in which to do them. Sigh.

Anyhow, even with all this stuff going on, I still regularly manage to find time for you guys… well semi-regularly. Today there is a single news article, but it retains the misery of the previous week’s picks. And I’m afraid it spells danger for us all.

I for one welcome our new monkey-robot overlords.

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Sorry about the gap, I blame lack of sleep personally. Working a full day, then coming home and working for myself does affect sleep patterns. As in, I don’t have any. This is tough. But worth it! Don’t think that nothing has happened in the world whilst I’ve been silent however, as much has happened, mainly more terror and disaster, but that’s hardly a surprise is it?

Because I’m short on time, and because I think it’s fun, I thought I would fill you in with my own versions of the headlines, this time in ‘editorial/magazine style‘:

• The Internet Really is Managed by Google
• People Finally Realise British Fuel is Expensive and Becoming More so…
• …on the Plus Side Cannabis Drops in Price
• Conclusive Proof At Last; The Japanese are Nuts
• Banks Attempt to Create 21st Century Technology
• Mars Polar Ice Caps Under Threat

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Can I just say I never noticed how depressing yesterday’s news was, until reading it back today, so I thought I should cheer everyone up with some lighter news. In fact, I start with some very light news indeed, about the awesome new walkway constructed through Kew Gardens. Beautiful. And I especially love how the banister is made of wood. Oh the irony.

More signs that America is the place to be now, with this unmissable offer from an American car dealership. Good news for all involved there then, especially the car thieves in America… They now have a proper challenge on their hands, no more pussy drivers! Except the old guy and the Canadian.

And finally (for the good news) I found this amazing tunnel between New York and London. Yes, you heard me. Running under the Pacific, from Tower Bridge, to Brooklyn Bridge, this has to be the coolest, most fun and most ‘Jules Vern’ monument ever. We totally need more of these.

Unfortunately, even with all this great stuff going on right now, there is doom and gloom, detailed below:

• Britain’s Beaches Radioactive
• Global Warming Ruins Weekend
• Children Remain Illiterate
• Artic Collapsing
• Jaws Becomes Fantasy

And finally, if you observe the clip featured in this article, at around about 12 seconds (turn up the volume) I think we hear uncensored profanity… Shock. Horror. Oh my God, quick, somebody do something please!! I’ve been scarred for life!! Won’t somebody please THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!! Also note how rude the Police officers are. Dear dear, what is this country coming to. Manners are free people! FREE!!

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Yes, that’s right, all Hell is breaking out across the world today, I was simply amazed at the stories I found in my morning browse. First up the tragic news about oil prices still rising, incredible I know, who would have thought the world wide economic collapse would be bad for us?! You should read this article, for an explanation of why we shouldn’t kill ourselves now. Not that it’s a fun article, just that it’s something free to do because we’re all broke.

However broke we are though, with our outrageous fuel prices and what not, we must remember the Americans are struggling too. Yes. Struggling terribly, with their 44 pence per litre fuel prices. How are they possibly coping!! Oh my GOD!!! This article is written by a funny guy, so I think you’ll enjoy it (give you a break from my half assed efforts anyway).

But ‘What if I want to comment?‘ I hear you cry… Well, see this page, clearly showing the total and complete agreement among people regarding the sorry state of affairs in this country at the moment. I’m no psychiatrist, as you know, but I’m sensing a lot of anger in the room. And it’s an awfully big room too, in the last two hours 350 people arrived! That’s a violent mob right there, and they’re itching for blood!! I’m outta here.

I now find myself wandering into this room and being surrounded by a group of people who think they’re suddenly comedians. Oh dear. And they’re also insane. Who in their right mind would say plastic carrier bags are one of the world’s worst ideas?!? Morons. No really, it’s been proven. Well, postulated. And I love that word, it sounds so dirty. Ha ha.

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Not much to report tonight, I’m just too psyched about Indiana tomorrow to concentrate. I’m so immature.

There is one important announcement however, and that is for this incredible card. Just a simple card that gives a very, very small part of people’s freedoms back to them in an oh-so subtle form. Just read the article. And rest assured, I will be carrying one as soon as I can get my hands on one.

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I got mine! Yes, ordered today over the Internet were my oh-so-precious Indiana 4 tickets, meaning my seats are firmly reserved for this Thursday. Woop! You just know I’m going to have an Indiana marathon before hand, so that’s my Thursday taken up with DVD watching and build up, so don’t be surprised if I don’t post on Thursday. Apologies in advance!

What’s happening in the news? Well, funny you should ask, but I have selected a couple of articles to illustrate the absurdity of this country. First up, the insane new vehicle excise charges due for 2009. No, they’re not misprints, those really are the charges… Also please note if you will the extreme bias in the top category example vehicles, unusual for the BBC. All 4×4s? Sensationalism at it’s best people, there are hundreds of nice cars that could be in the top category, and many many 4×4s could feature in the lower categories, but then, that wouldn’t get people reading would it! Holy crap. That just annoyed me, sorry.

Next, the news that Britain apparently doesn’t want to be nice. Well, not nice to British people anyway. They’re awful.

Sulu is getting married to a guy!

Oh and keep sending text messages! They’re great for your.. umm… wordiness.

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Yep, I missed another post due to returning at a ridiculous hour. Sorry and all. But don’t worry, I’m making up for it today with a bumper collection of doom and gloom!

Huzzahs all round!

Firstly, the end of the economy as we know it is coming, so that’s good news for all… But don’t worry, because online shopping is more popular than ever. No, I don’t understand either, but we don’t need to, all we need to know is how lucky we are that we don’t live in Mexico! Thank God!

We can all sleep safely at night however because the nightmarish evil that is the plastic bag is being beaten back at a local store level. Whatever.

What am I doing on the 22nd? What the hell do you think!! I’m seeing Indiana Jones: Kingdom of the Crystal Skull of course!! And you better be too! We need to be ready for the next one!

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You know when you think something will be short, and it ends up being long? Yeh, kinda, me too. But basically I was out yesterday, thinking I would be no more than two or three hours, and ended up getting in at four AM. Weird going to bed when it’s just getting light outside, I’m usually up early myself, but I thought I better have some extra sleep this morning, otherwise I risk slicing my leg off with a power tool or something.

Anyhoo! I return today, and bring you the amazingly unsurprising news that the Police force is full of dicks. Illustrating my point today is the following tosser, Mr David Mayes, who thinks speeding is funny when he has no idea what he is doing. The man should have his license revoked permanently, no more chances.

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I wonder what the insurance claim form will look like for this mess? I certainly wouldn’t like to have been the, umm, pilot, at the time. I’m guessing it was a very loud and very expensive sounding crunch, followed by screams of ‘What the hell have you done!!‘

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Awesome. This may very well be me, although, I don’t live in a care home. And I’m not 13. And I’ve not been caught!

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At this moron. And no, he’s not a moron for speeding, in fact I love how he states he wasn’t driving dangerously, this man is ready to stand up for the truth. I also love the fact that the Police car only estimated the guys speed as 100mph, because he must have been going above the speed limit “to catch up with us quite quickly” What a tool!

I’m calling him a moron because he feels the need to make up some unbelievable story about needing the lavatory! Why?? He insisted he wasn’t speeding (remember people, 80mph on motorways…) so what was he doing wrong? Undertaking? Well, if he had to undertake, that means people in the outside lane weren’t driving at an appropriate speed, and they should be punished ten times whatever this man receives. It’s far more dangerous going slowly on a motorway, than it is going quickly.

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Sometimes the freedoms of like-minded, decent people have to be curtailed because of a few others
- Liz Longhurst

Says it all doesn’t it. When people like this insane bitch are given a voice, I think the freedoms of decent people are at the greatest risk. Does she really think making something illegal in this country is going to have any effect whatsoever on the minority who turn to true violence? This is as bullshit an argument as making guns illegal. People willing to break the law will do so, what the frick difference does banning the catalyst make?

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These sound so cool (in both senses of the word) it’s hard to imagine them coming to this country, but I sure hope they do. Tasers being one of the few weapons people can still carry (again, probably not over here, can anyone clarify?) they’re the ideal tool to use for self defense. I think I like my right to self defense, don’t you?

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I always suspected as much. For example, today I almost forgot that I hadn’t posted… Which means I’ll have to make this short or it won’t be posted before midnight, and you will never forgive me. And I need forgiveness! I don’t even know what I mean by the way, I’m just ranting.

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Yeh, lame I know, but fitting I think to story time today. Found at the top of the ‘Most Read’ and ‘Most Emailed’ lists of the BBC News website is the following article, and you really do have to question… Are people that interested in Great Tits? Because I certainly am. But for those of you snickering like a fifteen year old, grow up!

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Again with the freedom rape! Why are people so desperate to rip all personal free will from our lives? It’s very bizarre, and only provides evidence that our country is run by evil robot overlords, hellbent on creating a master race of super humans… Hmm, sounds familiar.

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